Like Love But Not ch20

Summary: I didn’t know, I didn’t dare to think.

+ Content warning (slightly major, click to see):

Some depressive behavior. In-depth look (by Xiao Heng himself) into his current thoughts re: his suicide.

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Xiao Heng 20

In that empty parking lot, Luo Yuchen sat on the ground, completely ruined. His eyes were empty, as if the entire world had already ended for him.

Xia Mingxiu went to support him, and Luo Yuchen allowed himself to be pulled up and dragged into the car.

He was tired, his expression weary, and he closed his eyes in the car.

Xia Mingxiu didn’t know how to comfort him and could only stay silent.

****

From that night on, Luo Yuchen turned abnormally quiet.

The next day was February 14, the day the new album went on sale, so in the morning, the phone began ringing incessantly.

But he didn’t pick up a single call, and after becoming annoyed, he even turned off his phone.

I knew that sales had definitely reached a new record high. If it was under normal circumstances, then he would’ve most likely gone to a celebratory party tonight…

But he didn’t display the least bit of happiness. For the entire day, he laid on the sofa, not moving in the slightest.

Before leaving for work, Xia Mingxiu made a lot of food and filled the fridge, but he didn’t even pretend to be interested, simply lying there silently abusing himself.

Before long, his stomach began to hurt, and he huddled on the sofa, his face turning pale.

I saw that he was in pain and felt especially helpless. I tried my best to hold him from behind but it was all futile.

I really wanted to tell him that I was right here by his side.

He didn’t need to suffer that much, and he didn’t need to feel like he’d wronged me.

But sadly, even if I forgave him, there was already no way to return to the way things were.

I remembered a certain poet once very egotistically said, The largest distance in the world isn’t life and death.

What a bunch of nonsense.

The person who wrote this had definitely yet to experience a life and death separation.

I had also once naively thought that a life and death separation wasn’t nearly as far a distance as the one between his heart and mine.

But right now I realized that I had been terribly wrong.

Even if you didn’t acknowledge my presence as I stood in front of you, it’d still be all right.

For many things in life, no matter how many misunderstandings existed, no matter how much difficulties, as long as one perseveres and pushes on, there would eventually be at least a sliver of hope, however vague it might be.

As long as one was still alive, there would be an opportunity to regain everything, there would still be more chances.

But with us separated by life and death, there were already no more chances for us.

I didn’t understand why the me who had never been able to end anything in his life had, for the first time ever, so decisively decided to end things with such finality, in a way that couldn’t be taken back.

And only because I had felt that happiness was too unattainable.

Thinking that I wouldn’t be able to receive any salvation in this lifetime, I had decided to throw everything away and end it just like that.

And so ultimately, I cut off all possibilities of happiness with my own two hands, and I had even left in pain the people who I loved and cherished the most in the world.

****

When Xia Mingixu returned at night to discover that Luo Yuchen was unwell, he sent him straight to the hospital despite his stubborn protests.

While originally believed to have been simply another instance of stomach pain, it turned out to be a ruptured bowel, and he was tossed around at the hospital for a good while.

Xia Mingxiu accompanied him for the whole day, and even though he was clearly tired, he still had to return to work. He even still continued to smile warmly, not speaking a word of complaint.

I thought that this really wasn’t good.

He was becoming more and more like my past self, supporting himself with forced smiles. Who knew if there would be a day when he’d become like me and suddenly fall apart.

And under that earth-shattering wave of negativity, lose all of his courage and fighting spirit.

I hoped that Xia Mingxiu was stronger than I had been.

When only Luo Yuchen was left in the hospital room, he looked vacantly up at the ceiling and suddenly asked, in a daze, to thin air, “If I was to die from the pain, would you still come to see me?”

I was stunned stupid.

When no one else was around, he still tacitly accepted the truth of my death.

From my traitorous heart, there actually arose a kind of feeling of betrayal.

As if, while it was all right for everyone to believe that I was dead, Luo Yuchen should still believe that I was alive, and he should go out and look for me everywhere he could.

This kind of thought was truly too despicable.

Cleary, my heart ached at his pain, and clearly, I had stated that I wanted him to disregard me and for Xia Mingxiu to replace me quickly, but subconsciously, I actually still wished for him not to forget me.

Was I still greedily seeking his regret, his grief, his pain?

How could I do this? Then what about him? What about Xia Mingxiu?

And what about my so-called selfless blessings when I wished they’d be happy together, hoping for their good fortune?

Really too despicable.

He was in pain, and I was standing on the side finding the whole thing refreshing.

Luo Yuchen was still staring at thin air, having not received a single reply, although I was right next to him.

He was resentful, he was indignant, he was angry, he was full of grievances. He looked at the white wall, and almost as if I was there, he asked in a soft and quiet voice, “Xiao Heng, you really don’t want me anymore?”

As I listened, I felt a chill go down my back.

And just like that, he foolishly stared at the snow-white walls for a long while before he habitually reached for his neck, but he found that the necklace wasn’t there.

His expression immediately became panicked.

Actually, it had simply been taken off during the surgery, and Xia Mingxiu had placed it in his jacket’s inner pocket, where it hung nearby. But Luo Yuchen didn’t know.

He pressed the call button and summoned over a nurse, asking her, “Where’s my ring?”

Of course the nurse didn’t know about any ring.

Luo Yuchen was about to go mad with anxiety, struggling to get off the bed. The nurse and the doctor had to work together to press him back onto the bed, but with his ceaseless struggles, the only thing they could do was give Xia Mingxiu a call.

Finally, Luo Yuchen quieted down. He then grabbed the blanket and covered his head. The only thing I saw from the outside was some slight shivering; I thought he was crying.

I had never let Luo Yuchen experience such grievances before.

Or maybe I should say that I had never let Luo Yuchen experience such grievances before without being able to vent them out.

The circumstances right now were just like if I was a clam and had, for many years, always protected this one pearl, but now upon my death, this pearl had been pulled out and recklessly had a hole bore into it.

Although I was mad with the same amount of grief, I couldn’t put this pearl back into my shell once again and cherish him as attentively as I did before.

I was right by his side, while he cried, miserably biting into the blanket so as not to make a sound.

And I couldn’t even hug him if I wanted to.

****

Xia Mingxiu very quickly hurried back. Taking the necklace ring from the jacket pocket, he handed it over to Luo Yuchen.

Luo Yuchen silently accepted that necklace and put it back on before closing his eyes and not speaking another word.

It was clear to me that he had drawn a line and had ruthlessly left Xia Mingxiu outside of it.

His world now was an endless darkness, and no matter how bright Xia Mingxiu shone, those rays could no longer reach him.

After leaving the hospital, he stayed at home constantly, not moving much, not receiving phone calls, and not meeting anyone.

“You haven’t eaten for a whole day, so drink some milk, all right?”

Since he couldn’t find a mug, Xia Mingxiu could only pour the hot milk into the coffee cup and present it to him.

Luo Yuchen had turned a deaf ear to all of Xia Mingxiu’s previous attempts at comfort throughout the entire day; it was only when he saw that cup of milk that he suddenly moved a little.

Only I understood.

Putting the milk into the coffee cup was a habit of mine, or rather, it was a strange custom that I had invented. I had always thought that this would be one of those little secrets between Luo Yuchen and I.

I had long believed that there would be a day, sooner or later, that Luo Yuchen would leave me. Thus, I had stubbornly persisted in creating a few strange customs different from others, hoping that after I left Luo Yuchen, even if he couldn’t remember me, he would still occasionally reminisce over those strange customs I had.

And as it turned out, these customs could so very easily end up being used by other people without any thought.

Luo Yuchen obediently sat up and took the milk, slowly blowing on it.

The milk was very hot, and the steam covered up his eyes completely.

He lightly tasted it.

I saw tears collect around his eyes one-by-one, and he had no way of forcing them back, so he simply sat there, soundlessly shivering and shedding tears.

Xia Mingxiu didn’t understand what he had done wrong and was at a loss for what to do.

Finally, I began to understand why I had been forced to remain behind, to watch all of these things happen.

Probably because those who committed suicide couldn’t receive redemption.

The eighteen levels of hell depicted in the legends were all focused on various bodily tortures, but I was already beginning to wonder whether or not this place I was currently in was the true hell; there wasn’t any bodily pain, but it felt like a knife was twisting into my heart all the same.

The gods hadn’t forgotten me; the gods were clearly mocking me.

Watching me struggle in this new kind of purgatory created by the gods, taking joy in the schadenfreude.

The gods were mocking me. Mocking how I had made mistakes my entire life, carelessly giving up this most precious life of mine and dragging everyone I knew into my own misfortunes. They were mocking my discontent, my helplessness, my powerlessness.

Making it so that I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, and could only watch as the tragedy unfolded.

What could possibly happen next?

I didn’t know, I didn’t dare to think.

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Just four more chapters left of Xiao Heng’s section.